I am an Indonesian female who was born in 1994. I grew up in a very kind family that teaches me a lot about life, because we were upper-middle class and turned upside down when the father and the mother stopped working in the same time, got debts, and now trying to start all over again with efforts to become closer to God. I went to various kinds of academic environment: I spent my elementary years in with bourgoises, kids that mostly came from rich family, experience different kinds of bullying every year, but the school itself taught me very well and shape me. In middle school I was a mediocre in a strong peer-group environment and the school helps me adaptating with middle class life. Then, in high school, I was something, even every year of my high school life I made myself proud of the achievements I got, it was my golden years so far, I went on an student exchange for free for a year, I compete in a lot of competitions and win big time, I join great organizations, I led an internationally funded community development project, became a young journalist in a national youth magazine, became a young reporter and announcer for a national radio private news station, I met great people and get great connections, it's all outside of my mediocre high school that just helps me to get diploma I need, and somehow helps me to easily do those activities without minding academic too much. Then now, I enroll psychology major in one of prestigious universities in the country, although I found out my passions in writing, cultural research, fine arts, and travelling already and I have a dream that I can become an anthropologist or a travel writer, although since I know my real passions I know for sure I want to take anthropology as my life even I already have plannings for my life, until the national public university enrollment test result said that I got psychology for major for me to study for approximately four years, after months, I realize that I face the personality and confidence deficiency, probably because of I still cannot fit in to the academic community, false consciousness, or I still cannot face the reality that maybe God want to be sincere for all of this. And here I am on a 19 going on 20 dilemma and doubts of everything, I know I am a bright person, I have very high potential for many things, it's for me to choose my own path of life, I don't want to drown in fallacies that I put myself into. I am curious, what will be the next chapter of my life after I wrote this crap. Thank you and good night.

19-year-old self. (whose soul is trapped and not passionate by the time she's writing this)


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